We’re sure that, by now, many of you are sick of each other, frustrated by the now-glaring defects and deficiencies of your partner, maybe have had a couple fights (big and small), and are looking either for a way out or some sort of workable solutions (ways back in). Here are a few easy-to-utilize tools that may help:
- Make a vow not to raise your voices with each other. Stay as calm as possible, stay in the room (except you need to use the restroom) unless (a) you each agree that stopping the conversation is a healthy thing and then agree to reengage later.
- Cover only one aspect of the challenge at once. Expressing all the items on a list of challenges all at once can be overwhelming for the listener.
- Check in with your Self often (Am I hungry or thirsty or overly tired?) and make it safe to take care of those needs. It’s surprising how many discussions become arguments simply because one or more of the parties involved is physiologically distraught. Low blood sugar and exhaustion can exacerbate tension quite quickly. Asking the other about their physiological needs is an act of love and, often, will deflate any distrust or feelings of ‘lack of love’ quite quickly.
- Let the other person talk all the way through what they are trying to say about one item. Remember, that feeling safe is the only way to create and maintain open communication. If you are the listener, DON’T interrupt; just listen. Take notes if you need to, but mainly, just listen. If you need to interrupt for clarity’s sake, ask permission, apologize for the interruption, explain why the interruption/clarification is important, ask for the clarification without adding anything new, THANK THEM, and then encourage the other to continue. The only time it is important to interrupt is when the speaker is transitioning from one item to the next without allowing the listener to speak their heart’s feeling’s and thought’s understandings about that particular topic.
- When the other person is finished, try and summarize what you heard. It’s surprising how much of our misunderstandings are borne from misinterpretation. This momentary clarification reflection can keep an intense conversation on track.
- Try not to argue with another person’s feelings. Feelings are personal and, often, have little to do with facts or actions. Let feelings be feelings. Honor those feelings for what they are, and then add your own perceptions, understandings, desires and needs.
- If there are several challenges that need to be discussed, agree to complete the discussion about only one item on the list at a time. Check in with each other when that one item’s discussion is finished to see if the other(s) have the mental bandwidth and energy to discuss the next item. Often, it is of great benefit to stop after one item and either re-connect (hold each other, express you love with and for each other, hug and/or hold each other, take a walk together, hold hands, and/or simply BE present with and for each other.
- Focus, first and foremost on simply being supportively present with and for each other. Once that mutual support is established, focus on solutions. Remember that resolution and being closer is the goal of each item being discussed. These discussions can rarely be set up as power struggles in which one one ‘side’ gets what they need. A healthy lawyer friend of ours defines ‘justice’ as “when everyone gets what they need.” (which is not to say that everyone gets what they want but definitely what they need).
- Actively work removing barriers, establishing connection and a mutual desire to move toward resolution.
- Find a way/ways to celebrate the completion of this transition. Every discussion is, at its core, an active desire to transition from a constrained or frustrated (in this case, we are using the word ‘frustration’ to mean an impediment to healthy flow–like a beaver dam is a frustration to the easy flow of a river) to a new openness and cohesiveness. Celebrate what you love about each other